Thirty Years: One Day At A Time

October 31st, 2019

10957 days. One day at a time. 

30 years ago today, I woke up in detox at Westbrook Hospital. I was convinced that nothing would be any different this time. I had simply stopped using (and sought professional help), because the pain was too great to bear. 

I had spent the previous ten days on an alcohol and cocaine binge. There were nights that I vacillated between holding a crack pipe, and my grandfather's revolver; trying to decide which one would do me in. The only thing that kept me from pulling the trigger was the thought of someone having to clean up the mess. In my head, an overdose seemed more merciful for all concerned. 

I had been here before, and held out no hope that anything would work to keep me clean and sober. But I stayed in treatment, even turned around and came back after threatening to leave. 

And for the first time, I began to talk with professionals about the monstrous voices in my being. The nightmares that gripped me, and followed me into consciousness. 

I spoke of what I learned was childhood trauma and abuse. I found out that I wasn't insane. I was in pain. I was led by gentle professional hands toward the painful path of disclosure, and the sunlight and safety of recovery. 

I made a small beginning on building community supports, and networking with other recovering alcoholics, addicts, and trauma survivors. 

They literally walked me through the process of staying clean and sober, and creating safe spaces for myself. When I say literally, I mean there was a core group of folks who went on "Power Walks" around Baxter Boulevard with me on cold fall and winter nights. They listened, made space for my pain. Cried with me. Laughed with me, or simply walked beside me. 

It's been a long, painful, but fruitful journey to this present place. All I have is today. And all the todays I've accumulated belong squarely at the feet of those who helped me with their footwork, and their stories of recovery. 

It's why I'm sharing this story with you. 

💞