That being said, I'm going to use this entry to illustrate some skills I've utilized for self-care and nurturing the broken soul that began to unfold, after I got sober.
At around two years sober, I began having horrific nightmares. These dreams mirrored abuse (much of which was yet unrecovered in my consciousness), that seemed to "come with me" when I woke up. I would awake with the sights, sounds and smells of the dream in my room. I began needing a nightlight. 29 years old, and I needed a friggin' night light!
Fortunately for me, I was a live-in building manager for a group home at the time. There were eight residents in various stages of recovery from mental illness. My job was to be a presence in the house during off-office hours. I carried a pager, so I was available, and had Wednesday nights off. My instructions from the organization I worked for was to live my recovery life. Go to meetings, model my actions on how to do this recover thing for the residents. Little did I know that I would have eight of the best teachers on how to practice recovery.
Many times, I would wake up from one of those dreams and step outside my room for a smoke (you could smoke in group homes 25 years ago, but that's another story). Invariably, there would be a resident who would be up who would want to talk. They may not have been in a situation that merited and emergency knock on my door, but they relished the opportunity of connection.
I would end up supporting others. This is not the end-all, get-all for wellness, but a little service to others can (for me) always help me step out of my own pain.
I came to mental health from the field of recreation, and I ran the house with the skills I had used successfully from my time working with youth. I decorated the bulletin board with low and no-cost activities around town. The home was conveniently located close to Congress Street, the downtown section of Portland. So finding things to do on a weekly basis was easy.
By accident, I discovered that the basement in this building had what seemed to be an endless supply of art materials. There were paints, paper in all types and sizes, markers, small figurines, glue, wood pieces, etc. And I started using some time during the week to "make stuff" with the residents.
My first inclination is to always say, "I suck at art." But I will work with materials to create something, because I know the payoff is a chance to express, emotionally, something that words can't touch. And I learned this while being the building manager for this house. More on that in a moment.
Back to the nightmares: On occasion, I would wake up with paralyzing fear. My bed covers would be kicked off, and I was afraid to move. I had a small 3/4 bathroom connected to my room and would leave the light on, so I could see at night. But this was often not enough to soothe my night terrors.
One morning, after a particularly difficult night, I went to the basement and grabbed some sheets of paper from a large roll, scissors, some paint and brushes, and retreated to my room. The office was open, so I knew I would have some time to myself.
I wrote, then painted on the sheets of paper. Something like, "Mikey, You're safe!" and some accompanying nurturing signs. I cut them out in the shapes of clouds . . . Big clouds. They were about four feet long by two feet wide. The size of the lettering matched the expanse of the clouds. I taped them to my ceiling, so I would see them when coming out of a dream/night terror.
And they helped tremendously!
I did some version of this over the next few years wherever I lived. As time went by, I started to attach the here and now aspects of this form of artwork to other iconic items from my life. It might be something as simple as a stuffed animal, a blanket, or a specific pillow case; something to convert the reality of the unconscious into the present.
This is one of many, many skills I developed based on just doing whatever was in front of me to stay clean and sober, one day at a time. There are so much more of these I intend to share here, over time.
But for now, I'd love to hear about your skills sets that helped keep you safe as your past came up and nudged you.
M <3
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