On Being Triggered

For Laura. My Sober buddy, now since passed. Your courageous journey through recovery and cancer brought a wealth of lessons to me. God bless your presence in my life.

I had promised thirty posts in thirty days, but this was a two-day project.

Do I really have to post a trigger warning? ;-)

Since this post illustrates triggers and working through them, I feel a warning is appropriate. But I will refrain from bringing up specific instances of trauma here.

I have a really good life today. The day to day absence of trauma memories, rushing up to greet me with all the fervor of a runaway train have long since subsided. I am grateful for this. And I can only point to the footwork I've done to process, supportive friends and professionals, a loving relationship with spiritual practices, and maybe even some dumb luck or opportune circumstances.

Additionally, what was my greatest challenge, getting clean and sober, has been the biggest motivator to "get better" whatever that means.

For me, getting better means being able to maneuver in the world and relating to people, systems and situations in a kind, loving, and open way. I have garnered support across a broad spectrum of society to celebrate, grieve, express anger, feel love, and generally have and process anything that comes down the pike.

Now if I could only be that spiritual while driving in morning traffic!

And being a recovering alcoholic/addict has been advantageous to all of this. The prospect of a pending relapse has been the lamp to my feet where working on trauma has been concerned.

I remember hanging out with my dear friend, Laura at the old Sahara Club on Congress Street back in the fall of 1989. We would sit and chain smoke, while looking for wisdom from those who had been sober longer than us. Given our entry into recovery was a couple of weeks before this, pretty much everyone was sober longer than us.

After we had talked with others, we would continue to chat (almost daily) in a booth on the first floor. I was bemoaning the fact that I was so new in sobriety, yet memories of trauma were coming at me in an overwhelming pace. Laura said something to me that has remained a cornerstone in my recovery. It went something like this:

You know Mike, thank God we're alcoholics! Do you think we'd be willing to look at this stuff, if we didn't have the possibility of relapse coming at us?

I had to admit, Laura was correct. I would never look as deeply (if at all) at these trauma issues, were it not for the consequence of relapse. In fact, I still find that staying clean and sober motivates me in a way that is uniquely singular in its approach. Too many times, I've seen others who would refuse or stop looking at trauma issues who ended up in relapse. And usually the emotional damage they incurred on themselves and others before picking up a substance could be just as ugly as the actual relapse. Many, don't make it back at all.

I have since seen the wreckage of avoidance for folks that do not struggle with addictions as well. There are numerous ways that avoiding our past can create discord in our futures. From relational problems (personal, familial, and professional), to engagement in behaviors that mirror dynamics of abuse, the tragedy of turning away from our core truths can be astonishing in both scope and volume of damage.

This is not to say that I don't take a break from processing. I believe that "vacations" from the story of my adverse childhood experiences are crucial tools in breaking free from my past. I have utilized several strategies to do this. I will write a declaration of vacationing from my issues (whatever they may be), and place them in an envelope. I'll make a pact with myself to open that envelope sometime in the future, or not at all; as the case may be.

I work in an environment where I am front-line, direct care staff. Confidentiality prevents me from talking in specifics, but my job has its share of triggers. Truth be told though, any employment dynamics can be a trigger for folks with similar histories. I've been equally triggered in sales positions or working in recreation, as I have in my present professional responsibilities. The lingering PTSD from my trauma history will always be with me in some form. How it presents itself (I believe), is directly proportional to the amount of maintenance I do on a regular basis. But I find that there is no complete immunity from being triggered.

This is not to say that I am some kind of walking trip-switch. I'm no longer as easily triggered as I was when I first started to work on these issues almost thirty years ago. But I can be set off by events that are unfolding around, or directed at me.

And the time and space between episodes can appear to magnify the intensity of a given trigger. Things can "slow down" in an emotional and perceptual way that feels like I've been smacked upside the head. I've seen where things speed up to a point where I miss the trigger in the moment.

When these things occur, it's important for me to touch base with someone in reality. I'm fortunate that I my professional life encourages asking for time to process, but not every situation (personal or professional) lends itself to this practice.

I make it a point to talk with someone about the precipitating event in detail. What happened, what it felt like to be in the event, what emotions came up, how the moment mirrored my own experiences, etc, are some of the ways that I work through a given trigger. I do this with trusted friends, or professionals (or both). I will also write, pray, move, or generally do something to purge the energy of the event out of me.

One of the things I can struggle with is the feeling that the given triggering event was somehow my fault. Even if I'm merely a witness to it, or if I try to help the afflicted person in some way and fumble with my actions, a false sense of responsibility lingers. There have been instances where my well-intentioned attempts at intervention have been perceived as harmful. I try not to think too badly of myself in these instances, but I also know that the guilt associated with the outcome can crush my self-esteem.

I should add that part of the reason I'm so invested is because of my compassion and humanity. Apologies if this sounds egotistical, but developing compassion (for myself and others) has been the direct result of skills practice.
However, survivors of adverse childhood experiences can anoint themselves as a savior of someone else. There is no compassion involved in the vehement expectation that others should change to fit one's own belief systems.
Going human concern and care are fine qualities to have. The problem, for me, is that I am capable of wrapping myself up in somebody else's stuff. It can take quite an amount of work to tease all that out, and discern what belongs to me. I am learning all over again to let go of the outcome, and focus on what my part in the situation has been. Anything else, for me, is insistence, not compassion.

These situations are lessons in letting go. On occasion, my reactions have been over the top. But many times, these triggering moments have hit on a specific phase of my development from childhood that was clouded by abuse or exploitation. Some events require a minimal amount of effort/processing to work through. Others may be an ongoing exercise in utilizing the tools others in recovery have given to me, to work though the layers and layers of abuse.

It is important to acknowledge that on most all occasions, the very person or situation that triggers me contains the necessary lessons for my next phase of personal growth and development. Spirit guides have presented themselves to me as all kinds of teachers. From what appeared to be a bad (Or continuous! lol!) choice in relationships, to what seemed to be traumatic instances I have received or been a witness to, these teaching moments have revealed valuable education for my soul.

Like the prospect of relapse, these assignments have motivated me to work even harder on issues previously invisible or avoided by me. And some of them have brought different perspectives of love and compassion to my own life, and the lives of those involved. In effect, I am both student and teacher when triggered. What an infinite number of possibilities for emotional growth!

I can hear a friend and co-worker saying the following. She utters it with love and exasperation: "Ohhhh Mike!"

I've felt this way to about folks expressing gratitude for the lessons learned via circumstance and discomfort. I can be very spiritual . . . When things are currently great in my life!

But it is also important for me to remember that these growth opportunities, teaching moments, god spots, or whatever label you put on it are brought to me for a bigger purpose. To practice love and compassion for myself and others.

I now realize after almost three decades of practice, that these moments have shaped me, challenged me, and allowed me to reassess everything in my life. They have been a series of skills practice that have developed an almost automatic response of compassion and self care; which leads to compassion and care for others.

My goal, going forward, is to embrace these moments. To lean in, and sample the goodness and joy of working through that which may appear initially difficult on the surface.

I am hopeful that sharing this goal with you will make a little more room for compassion in this world.

M :-)