I needed to see this again today. I wrote it in response to the death of Robin Williams. Little did I know that the writing from that day would give me permission to grieve today. 💕
Originally written August 12th, 2014
I soooooo needed to see this today. The video link is a scene from Goodwill Hunting.
I see a lot of empowering posts about choice and choosing not to be a victim. They are important reminders of our present circumstances. And I believe that the gift of choice can be the determining factor in one's own recovery, whatever the circumstances.
But sometimes, our past can be a huge determining factor in our daily lives. Processing through that past can be heart-wrenching, even under the safest and best of circumstances.
I think we sometimes have the expectation that public figures in our lives will have the same capacity for strength and character that we have seen displayed under controlled circumstances. While these performances can be personally empowering for us, we would do wise to see the humanity beyond the roles they are playing.
And it is important to recall that there have been moments in my own life where all choice was lost from view. Moments when I have been carried with little or no assurance that the next moment would bring anything like real relief or peace. In those moments (and there have been many), the most important and healing response I received was; "I hear you."
Of equal (if not greater) priority is the knowledge that living through trauma does not always make a person stronger. And hearing those words can further recede any glimpse of hope, light or choice in the matter. Truly, an almost impossible amount of strength and courage was required to get past a horrendous moment or series of moments. But a canned response by an uninformed person that has the context about the hard part being over is hollow and devoid of empathy. It is crucial to be a witness to someone's pain . . . again, and again, and again.
We can retreat to care for ourselves. Setting boundaries for self-care while being a witness to someone's trauma process can be influential in their healing, and sustaining to our availability.
But if we begin to determine just when and how someone will 'get over' their history, we have become nothing more than an extension of those that have delivered the trauma unto these frightened, vulnerable beings in the first place.
While scars can heal stronger than what once was present. It is the wound that needs treating. And no one can determine that timeline for another.
Peace,
M
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