Vacation

Trigger Warning: Recovery from substance use/abuse content. Some discussion of trauma recovery.


My Husband and I will be on vacation, beginning Friday, July 7th.


And yet, I promised myself I'd make 30 blog posts in 30 days.


What to do?


On occasion, I have supplemented with pieces I've previously wrote for other social media sites. I may do this occasionally during our time off, and away. I'm also not very iPad savvy, so longer posts are tougher to maneuver when I'm not on my laptop.


I love having the ability to take a vacation. I usually front-load these times with some recovery based actions. Kind of like having insurance. I will gather with others in recovery to ensure I'm grounded, and can enjoy my time off.


If and when we travel, I'll get online to find recovering resources. Even if I don't utilize them, it's nice to know they're there. And the related contact information is additional insurance to my personal recovery.


The plan is a "Staycation" with some day trips and travel to family in New England. Maine is such a wonderful place to take a holiday, and folks come from all over to enjoy our lakes, mountains, oceans and other tourist and historical attractions. I am truly blessed  to live in such a beautiful state.


Which reminds me of my first paid vacation in sobriety, some twenty-five years ago. I was around two years sober, and I finally was employable in a job with the benefits of three weeks paid vacation. I took a week in the summer, and figured that some road trips would fit the bill.


The night before vacation, I broke out my old cooler and started cleaning it. I soaked it in hot water and dish detergent. I scrubbed the thing inside and out, then dried it with a towel. I put over an hour into making it as clean as possible.


When finished, I stepped back to survey my work.


I was thinking of what I would need. I knew from experience that the cooler would hold almost two cases of beer and a bag of ice . . .


What?!


It was then that I remembered I no longer drank. I shuddered a bit at the thought of all the time and effort I was putting into preparing my cooler for a boatload of beer; without even realizing it. That slow, but steady, internal emotional escalation started to accelerate. My thoughts and feelings began a footrace to full-blown anxiety. What was I thinking? Was I going to get drunk? What would happen to me? Should I even go on vacation?


I made a quick call to a trusted, sober friend and told him what I had attempted to do. Of course, he started laughing at me. For clean and sober folks I know, laughter is the highest form of identification with another's situation. Tim and I had a brief conversations about how spending decades building habits are not undone in two short years. Then he gave me some recovery suggestions of what to do to start off my vacation on the right foot.


And then, you can fill your cooler with juice, soda, ice and food! He said.


What a novel idea.


I went on vacation. I hung out with other sober folks. I went on some road trips and slept in my car a couple of nights. It was one of the most wonderful, freedom-feeding, vacations I've ever had. I would take many road trips over the years, but this was my first clean and sober vacation. And it was awesome!


And I learned something about myself, and my recovery. The lesson of that evening with my cooler taught me that I can begin to plan a relapse without even realizing it. The old behavior ingrained in the fabric of my being could start that ball rolling, and I would be none the wiser.


This taught me (one more time) that recovery is an ongoing process. That a continuing search for wellness was one of the best ways to guarantee that I would remain in recovery. And that, even during subconscious,  unhealthy behavior, I could build awareness that would protect me. The habits I used to build my recovery would supplant, even the most covert attitudes built upon years of behavior from my drinking history.


For me, my recovery from trauma comes from the same script. The more I build a world of safety through writing, meditation, groups, individual therapy, and other skills, the better prepared I am for whatever comes to the surface from that dark, negative energy that exists in areas of my past yet uncovered.


This does not mean that I need to constantly dig for injury. That stuff has no problem coming up, in its own time and own way.


Rather, I can work on wellness and have as much fun as possible along the way. I can celebrate love, life, laughter, and actually feel those things deeper as a result of the work.


And my vacations are generally time well spent as a result.


Peace,


M :-)